The Second Time Around

When I was pregnant with my 2nd child I worried, okay about a lot of things. Which is not too far from normal for me. But one of the things I worried about is whether everything would feel like it had already been done.

Would I be excited when she rolled over for the first time? Would her first steps be all over facebook?

She’s now 8 months and many of her first milestones have already come and gone.

I was just as excited when she rolled over.  I could not have been more proud seeing her learn to crawl or pull herself up for the first time. I’m no longer worried that my excitement will be less because she’s not my first. Because they are still her firsts. And those firsts are exciting.

But it is different. With two kids, I’m more distracted and there’s less down time. I have to put in more of an effort to write things down in her baby book and it will in all likelihood have much less written in it than her older brother’s. And more of her firsts will probably not get photographed or written up in a status update. So one day, it may look to her that I was less excited. But even if one day she feels that way, I know it’s not true.

There was one aspect of having a second child that did surprise me though. I know they’ll fight and bicker (believe me that has already started!) but I was really surprised with how much they love each other already and how young Nicole was when they started playing together. They are three years apart - I had expected it to be a long time before they would really connect. But I was really wrong about that. Gordie loves to make her laugh and already they entertain each other. Nicole’s favorite thing to play with is whatever Gordie’s playing with. She’ll chase him down the hall and cry when he leaves the room. Sure sometimes it drives Gordie bonkers when he wants to play with his toys and she’s right there trying to play with him but he adores her too. It’s hard to resist someone who loves you so much.

It’s not always easy having two little kids. In fact it often isn’t. It’s a very challenging time period. But seeing your babies develop into their own people with their own personalities is one of the most exciting things there is.

Do I Have Mommy Brain or is This Just Boring?

I’m no longer sure I know the difference. I’ll pick up a book that people are raving about, read a few pages and put it down. Do I just not like the book? Do I disagree with all the hype? Or have my kids just taken any cleverness I used to have along with uninterrupted sleep and time to myself?
It’s hard not to second guess myself. Maybe I should like this book. Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough.
But I just don’t want to read it.
Similar things occur in other areas of my life too. Sometimes just having a conversation can seem like more than I can handle. I can be desperately trying to pay attention to what someone is saying and before I know it, my mind has wandered and I have no idea what the person I am talking to just said. It’s making me have a lot of empathy for people with attentional difficulties. It’s not that my mind wandering hasn’t been a problem before, but it’s never been so pervasive or felt so out of my control.
So do I really have mommy brain? Before my kids, I used to be able to pay attention to things even if I didn’t find them inherently interesting. I’d consider myself smart even. And I do feel like I’ve lost some of that, but I’m pretty sure my kids are only indirectly responsible.

Reasons Why My Brain is Sludge

1. Lack of good sleep
Now that Gordie (3.5 years) has stopped napping I’m finding it even harder to catch up when I lose sleep. Sleeping in is not something I even understand the meaning of any more and I find it hard to go to bed as early as I should and forego the small amount of kid free time I get in the evenings.
2. Lack of uninterrupted time
It’s hard to concentrate on anything when your kids are taking half of your attention or when they are interrupting what you’re doing every five minutes. I hardly do anything without it being frequently interrupted, including simple things like folding a basket of laundry.
3. I just don’t care anymore
This one I don’t think is going to change with time. I read because it makes me happy. I love to read. I don’t have time to read a book that I’m not enjoying. I don’t feel the need to prove that I can read complicated books. I know I can, I’ve done it. And if I’m enjoying reading Young Adult novels right now, so what. They are fast paced, and gripping and I can read them in little snippets of time I have available with ease.
I definitely hope I regain the ability to have a have a conversation without my mind drifting. But as for the books, I’m not so sure. I may not be at my best, and that book may be great, but I reserve the right to decide it’s boring anyway.