The Second Time Around

When I was pregnant with my 2nd child I worried, okay about a lot of things. Which is not too far from normal for me. But one of the things I worried about is whether everything would feel like it had already been done.

Would I be excited when she rolled over for the first time? Would her first steps be all over facebook?

She’s now 8 months and many of her first milestones have already come and gone.

I was just as excited when she rolled over.  I could not have been more proud seeing her learn to crawl or pull herself up for the first time. I’m no longer worried that my excitement will be less because she’s not my first. Because they are still her firsts. And those firsts are exciting.

But it is different. With two kids, I’m more distracted and there’s less down time. I have to put in more of an effort to write things down in her baby book and it will in all likelihood have much less written in it than her older brother’s. And more of her firsts will probably not get photographed or written up in a status update. So one day, it may look to her that I was less excited. But even if one day she feels that way, I know it’s not true.

There was one aspect of having a second child that did surprise me though. I know they’ll fight and bicker (believe me that has already started!) but I was really surprised with how much they love each other already and how young Nicole was when they started playing together. They are three years apart - I had expected it to be a long time before they would really connect. But I was really wrong about that. Gordie loves to make her laugh and already they entertain each other. Nicole’s favorite thing to play with is whatever Gordie’s playing with. She’ll chase him down the hall and cry when he leaves the room. Sure sometimes it drives Gordie bonkers when he wants to play with his toys and she’s right there trying to play with him but he adores her too. It’s hard to resist someone who loves you so much.

It’s not always easy having two little kids. In fact it often isn’t. It’s a very challenging time period. But seeing your babies develop into their own people with their own personalities is one of the most exciting things there is.

Things That Drive Me Bonkers: Is She a Good Baby?

When people ask “Is she a good baby”, I think most of the time they are just being conversational and not really thinking about what they are saying. But really, it’s just not a very good question to ask parents.

Sure some babies are easier than others: some sleep better, cry less, are content more. That seems to be what people are getting at when they are asking the question. But it seems to implies that babies that have more difficulty, are bad babies. And there are no bad babies. Some babies do struggle more in the early stages of life, they cry a lot, they sleep like garbage, they find life pretty darn distressing. They don’t have an easy time, and neither do their parents. So why do people want to push this in their face?

My son was a terrible sleeper and I hated it when people asked me that question. Seriously what was I supposed to say? “No. he’s not. He’s kind of crap. I’m thinking of sending him back”? Instead, I’d usually say something like “yes, he’s a good baby. Not a great sleeper, but he’s a good baby.”

I had kind of forgotten about this until I had my daughter. People still ask this question all the time. For a small baby, she is a pretty good sleeper, she is pretty content and she doesn’t cry much. Overall, she’s been a pretty easy baby. But I refuse to support people in suggesting that defines whether she is a good baby. Because all babies are good, they are doing the best they can to deal with the world. What else can you expect of them? They are babies! So I tell people that “She’s a pretty easy baby.” And she is. But both my kids were really good babies.

Did you get this question with your babies? How did you handle it?.

Our Favorite Ipad/Iphone Apps for Older Toddlers/Young Preschoolers

These were some of Gordie’s favorite apps as a 2 year old. Many of these would be enjoyed by kids older or younger than this as well.  All the ones on this list do cost a small amount, but I find particularly with apps for kids the extra cost often makes a real difference in terms of play value. That’s not to say that no free apps are worthwhile, just that I’m often quite happy to spend the money on a well developed kids app.

1. Toddler Counting $0.99 by iTot Apps

This app is super simple, but Gordie goes back to it again and again. Attractive pictures of real objects pop up on the screen and all you do is count the objects by touching each one. 

2. Wood Puzzle/Wood Maze by http://www.tropisounds.com/ $1.99 Ipad (HD), $1.99 Iphone/Ipad
   
These are actually two separate apps both of which are really good. I’d suggest getting the puzzle one first as the maze is a bit more challenging. In both instances the app acts like a real wooden toy. The pieces for the puzzle app are cut out in shapes rather than just squares like many puzzle apps. In the maze, you have to move the pieces to the correct spot by moving it along the track – this can require moving other pieces out of the way. The puzzles themselves are cute and there’s a pretty large number of them.

3. Monkey Preschool Lunchbox by THUP games $0.99

This has probably been Gordie’s favorite app this past year. There’s a number of different little games in it, all featuring fruit. There is a memory game, puzzle game, color and letter matching games and more.

4. Build a Word – by WordWorld $.099

This app doesn’t have a lot of words (and all the words are animal names) but Gordie was really taken with ‘grabbing’ the letters and spelling them out. I found this worked better for him on the iphone/itouch because you’re supposed to ‘shake it up’ to get to the next word. The iPad was just a bit too big for him to do this. If you don’t like your kid ‘shaking’ your iphone (and who could blame you?) you may want to give this one a pass that being said it was a big hit at our house, I just wish they used a different method to get to the next word.

5. Jellytoons Toddler Skills – Bobo’s Birthday Challenge by MindShapes $1.99

The app has a number of different mini-games geared towards toddlers – after each you get to pick a ‘present’ to put on your sticker board. Gordie loved this app when we got it. but he mastered it fairly quickly and then lost interest. I’d recommend it for younger toddlers or wait to get it until you know you’re going to need a distraction because you’re sick or travelling (or whatever).

6. Olivia Paints – by Soma Creates $1.99

There are a lot of different painting apps out there, but this one is Gordie’s favorite. He recognizes Olivia from the books which I think it part of the reason, but he also finds it fairly intuitive to use. I think it’s neat that the color mixing is done just like a real artist on a color palette.

7. Cars Lightning Was Here: My Puzzle Book by Disney Publishing World Wide $0.99

This app can actually be really frustrating. It’s way to easy for your kid to end up in set-up or menu screens without intending to. But, it’s Cars! So if your kid is a fan, but they probably love it anyway. The app is like a book where you complete puzzles along the way and can look for little hidden objects as well.

8. Fish School, Word Wagon, Baa Baa Black Sheep, Park Math – by Duck Duck Moose, $0.99-$1.99

Duck, Duck Moose is probably my favorite kids app producer. I’ve listed 4 of their apps that Gordie particularly loved this past year. They are all really good though. I highly recommend checking a few out. They are cute, attractive with great playability.

9. The Monster At the End of this Book by Sesame Street $3.99

This is my favorite book from my childhood. The cute twist ending still makes me smile. This interactive book is well done and is fun for older toddlers and preschoolers who like to be a little bit bad (by turning the pages when Grover asks you not to).

10. Elmo Loves ABCs – by Sesame Street, $4.99 (Ipad only)

This is not a small app – it is huge! It has tons of video clips from sesame street that correspond to the different letters of the alphabet. There is a lot of content in this app as well including letter tracing, coloring, songs and letter/word correspondence.

I’m always on the lookout for new apps, what are you kid’s favorites? Also, be sure to look at my post on Why I’m okay with my toddler using an Ipad and the list of our favorite kids apps that I made when Gordie turned 2.

Our Top 10 Favorite Toddler/Baby Books

 

1. “That’s Not My…” Series by Usbourne Books
   
   We have a ton of books from this series (That’s not my… Monster, Kitten, Truck, Robot, Tiger etc). When Gordie was super little they were great because the touchy-feely spots helped keep his interest in reading. As he got bigger they made great bedtime books because they were soothing and predictable. Now, he’s starting to be able to read them himself. I buy these as gifts a lot for baby showers.
   
2. Grumpy Bird
   
   I had never heard of this book before Gordie got it for his first birthday. It stars a bird so grumpy he can’t fly so he takes a walk meeting his friends along the way who oblivious to his bad mood join him on his walk eventually cheering him up. Gordie would bring it over to me to read it over and over and over again. Despite that, I never got tired of reading it to him. It was the first non-baby book that Gordie took an interest in. It’s a cute story with a nice rhythm. If you haven’t read it, I’d definitely recommend giving it a try.
   
3. Me Hungry!
   
   After loving Grumpy Bird so much, I looked for other books by Jeremy Tankard and found this one. It’s a lot shorter than grumpy bird, and even really little kids will be able to identify with wanting something while their parents are busy. Gordie would drag this book over (it’s bigger than most board books despite the limited words) to read again and again.
   
4. Green Eggs and Ham 
   
   I’m sure everyone is familiar with this book. It’s one of the longest books that Gordie and I both enjoyed while he was a toddler. The repeating phrases and common words used make it a great choice to help make the transition from super short stories.
   
5. But Not the Hippopotamus
   
   This book features a hippopotamus who feels left out of all the fun. It is a short lively read with a great rhythm and cute rhymes.
   
6. Moo Baa La La La
   
   There aren’t many book that use animal sounds extensively that don’t make me wish I was reading something else pretty quickly. This book is the exception. This twist on animal sounds both engaged Gordie and kept me from throwing the book across the room. One of the great things about books with animal sounds is that your little one can ‘read’ with you from a very young age by filling in the right sound.
   
7. The Going To Bed Book 
   
   A lot of books designed to lull kids to sleep are a little… dull. This book manages to be both fun and soothing in the end.
   
8. Are You My Mommy?
   
   Little duck can’t find his mommy and so goes off in search of her. This book was one of the first that Gordie helped pick out himself (he loved ducks). The little touchy-feely spots helped engage him when he was little and he still likes reading it sometimes now.
   
9. Sometimes I Like To Curl Up In a Ball
   
   This bedtime book was perfect for an energetic toddler. Little Wombat talks about all of his favorite things to do and ends with him going to sleep. For months this book was a necessary component of our bedtime routine.
   
10. Tinkerbell Look and Find
    
    I’ve always liked Tinkerbell, so Gordie had seen Tinkerbell here and there around our house. When he was a year and a half I put on the Tinkerbell movie. Up until this point he hadn’t paid any attention to TV at all. He was amazed to see “Tinkerbell! In a movie!” Tinkerbell was Gordie’s first love. He loved looking searching through these books to find the objects on the list. There is a whole series of these books which are great for toddlers with their thick pages and straight forward list of objects to find.
    
11. The Very Hungry Caterpillar

This book is kind of an honorable mention on this list. It has been one of Gordie’s favorites and he will still pull it out for us to read. But it is one of the few books that I actually hid for a while because I just couldn’t stand reading it one more time. It’s funny, because it isn’t that I don’t like the book, but I reached my limit with reading it over and over again quicker than many of Gordie’s favorite books.

So that’s our list, what’s on yours?

Worries for My 2nd Child

As we await the arrival of our 2nd child, only a few weeks away, I think about some of the worries I have for her. It’s funny how different they are from the ones at the end of my first pregnancy.

Although some of my fears at that time, may in fact occur, I’m no longer stressed about whether I’ll be able to breastfeed or calm my baby, or so many of those first time mom worries. I know I’ll be (at least a little) less frazzled and definitely more confident right from the beginning.

But there are different things that occupy my mind this time around. I want this baby to feel special and valued. This didn’t concern me with my first baby. It seems easy to do with one. But with two there is balances and trade-offs and everything isn’t new anymore. There are few firsts that haven’t been done before by your first.

I’m planning a meet-the-baby party to welcome our new baby into the world. I know many people don’t think it’s appropriate to have a baby shower for subsequent children, but I think every child deserves to his/her birth to be celebrated. I want my 2nd child to have reams of photos taken of her as a baby and not have 90% of them include her older sibling. I want her to have a baby book where her milestones are recorded just like her big brother. I worry with those last two that I may be setting myself up for failure. (Even in the pregnancy photo on this post my son is visible playing in the background).

I wonder whether I’ll be able to get quality time alone with both of my kids. I wondering whether I’ll be able to be able to balance their different needs without inappropriately prioritizing one over the other. Will my two kids get along?

I know there will be things I struggle with that I never even considered. I know some of the things I worry about now will end up as real difficulties. And some of these things won’t end up as an issue at all. And I know, like every parent, I’ll never run out of things to worry about.

What did you worry about while you were transitioning from one to two kids? How did it actually go? Do you have any advice?

I’m Finding Myself Unable to Resist a Good Challenge–Outdoor Play Challenge

My friend Misty wrote a post called “Life Outside - Making Myself Responsible” where she challenges herself to take her son outside everyday.

I’ve decided to take up the challenge with her. During the summer, this was not something I had much trouble with, but this month, I’ve been kind of bad. Even though the weather has often been lovely, I haven’t felt like going anywhere. We’re expecting another baby in March and pregnancy makes me feel soooo tired.

Although I’m starting to feel a bit more energetic now that I’m in my 2nd trimester, the weather is not going to be making it more attractive for me to go outside as it gets colder.

I think outdoor play is so important for kids. I also think it makes it easier to care for them too. Way less mess to clean up, less to get into and they love it so much! 

Today was the first day of our challenge and happily it was successful. We went for a walk to the grocery store (at which I was an impulsive sucker, buying a halloween cup, mini pumpkin, decorative corn and monkey stickers) and collected leaves and pinecones along the way.

Although the walk isn’t far, our neighborhood is VERY hilly. Getting to the store isn’t bad, but getting back is basically uphill the whole way. I had to take a lot of breaks. I have a feeling that perhaps there is some middle ground between doing nothing and trying to kill myself. Is it just me that has this problem?

We stopped off at a playground on the way home (Mama needed a break) and saw a woodpecker a couple blocks from home.

I’m sure most of our outdoor play won’t take all morning, especially when it gets cold, but I’m excited to try to keep it up and make it fun.

Anyone interested in taking the challenge too?

Juggling Being a Crier and a Mommy

I am a crier. Being in control of my tear ducts is not one of my strengths. Although this was not helped by pregnancy hormones, I was a crier long before I was pregnant and I still am.
I don’t just cry when I am sad. I’ve also been known to cry when I’m angry. This was confusing for my friends as a child. I nearly backhanded more than one poor girl who tried to comfort me while I was furious.
But that’s not all. I cry when I’m worn out and stressed too. Often pretty easily. This has sometimes very awkward. I have made many doctors (and 1 dentist) feel confused and perhaps even a little uncomfortable when they have just told me I am fine. And probably just have a viral infection or I need some antibiotics (with the dentist I had a cavity). At any rate I was given information that is completely minor in severity and I am reduced to tears.
I even cried in the front row of a 10 person University class with a disproportionately high workload when we were unable to persuade the professor that we needed an extension for our 30 page paper because it would throw off his schedule. Looking at this, you might think that I cry all the time. And although that is not actually true I do end up crying in front of my son and my handicapped brother more often than I would really like.
I actually think that it’s good for kids to see their parents have emotions and deal with them. I just wish my son didn’t have to have this valuable learning experience quite so often.
Because of my brother I’ve had to deal with this issue for a long time. It causes him distress to see anyone, but especially me, upset. So I am well practiced in the art of crying while assuring someone else that everything is still okay.
Usually what I say is “I’m feeling sad. It’s okay to feel sad sometimes. But I’m okay. I’m just feeling sad right now.” If I can explain why, then try to do that too, but that’s not always easy.
I’d love to know about some other strategies that I could use. What do you do when you cry in front of your kids?

Our Favorite iPhone/iPad Apps for Kids

Gordie was a toddler when I made this list but most of the apps here would be of interest to preschoolers as well. Some are even great for babies!

1. Itsy Bitsy Spider by Duck Duck Moose $.99 –iPhone, iPad $1.99 http://duckduckmoosedesign.com/educational-iphone-itouch-apps-for-kids/itsy-bitsy-spider

We have all the apps by Duck Duck Moose and they have all been big hits. But the Itsy Bitsy Spider was the one that Gordie first fell in love with (about 14 months). He still calls our ipad and iphones ‘spider’ because of it. One of the best things about it, is how you touch the spider to advance the story instead of little arrows or swiping the screen - easy for toddlers to do and understand.

2. Peek a Boo Barn, $1.99 http://www.nightanddaystudios.com/apps/

This simple app is great for entertaining babies and toddlers at the doctors office. It’s easy to operate for even the littlest kids as all you have to do is touch the screen to see who is hiding behind the door.

3. sound touch by SoundTouch $2.99 - http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/sound-touch/id348094440?mt=8

When you touch one of the icons on this app 1 of 5 photograph of that match that icon will pop up on the screen along with it’s corresponding sound. There’s lots to discover with 6 different categories of sounds. The instruments even play real sections of music. This is a favorite of my special needs brother.

4. Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham – Oceanhouse Media $3.99 - http://www.oceanhousemedia.com/products/drseuss/

Oceanhouse Media has a ton of great interactive books including many Dr. Seuss and Little Critter books. Gordie’s favorite is Green Eggs and Ham. Gordie still has some trouble swiping to turn the pages, but if you set it to autoplay it will do that all by itself.

5. Sound Shaker by Tickle Apps $1.99 - http://www.tickletapapps.com/soundshaker

This was another of Gordie’s early favorites. I find it pretty amusing too. When you press on the screen a ball appears that makes a noise. If you hold your finger down the ball gets bigger and makes a different noise. If you move the ipod from side to side the balls roll around and make their noises as they bounce around. It’s pointless but entertaining.

6. Pictello - more expensive than most ($15) but you can create your own photo books - http://www.assistiveware.com/pictello.php

Gordie and my special needs brother both love this app. It helps them relive activities we’ve done and bring up topics that they might not be able to do otherwise. Gordie asks me all the time to “Make a New One!” It’s easy to use and you can either use a synthesized voice or record your own voice to accompany your photos to make a simple story.

7. drawing pad – $1.99 http://itunes.apple.com/ca/app/drawing-pad/id358207332?mt=8

This app has many different types of drawing utensils in lots of different colors. It’s easy to navigate too and would be fun for any age.

8. Chicken Little - Kidztory – $0.99 -  http://www.kidztory.com/

Kidzstory has tons of animated interactive storybooks. They have lots of traditional tales like Chicken Little and the Three Little Pigs, but we’ve also really enjoyed Duck in the Truck. I had to delete The Lion and the Mouse because at one point the lion roars and it scared Gordie and made him cry. This will probably not be a big problem for most kids but Gordie is sensitive to startling noises.

So that’s our list, what’s on yours?

Guilt and Parenting

One of the things that has surprised me the most since becoming a parent, is how much I would be plagued with guilt and doubt. For me this was especially true when Gordie was a small baby. Everything was so new and it seemed I was constantly having to make decisions that had no real right answer.

But the guilt and doubt I felt over these day to day decisions was nothing compared to how I felt when Gordie turned 1. That was when we found out that he wasn’t growing as expected. His weight was at the 3rd percentile. Now I realize that sometimes this is nothing. Some kids are just small. But the reason that they take weight and height measurements is because sometimes something is wrong.

When Gordie was born he was 9 lbs. That put him at the 85 percentile for weight. So being at the 3rd percentile after 12 months was definitely concerning.

It turned out that he was having a problem digesting dairy. He seems to react negatively to the protein in milk products resulting in a host of problems some of which I recognized as a problem and others that I didn’t until they went away.

It has now been a year and I still struggle with the guilt that I feel over this.

• Why didn’t I realize what was happening sooner?
• How could I have been feeding my baby what basically amounted to poison (for him)?
• How could I not have noticed how small he was, how little he was eating, how cranky he was, how little he was doing?

It really shook my confidence as a mother. I was second guessing all the choices that I had made with regards to how I chose to feed him, sleep choices – everything.

Now I know this is not particularly rationale. I know I’m a good mom. I do. And I know that Gordie’s problems with milk were not my fault. In fact when I look back, I had realized that something was the matter and I was doing everything I could to figure out. I can’t even think of anything that I really should have done differently. And I know that it was in large part because of me that we figured it out as soon as we did.

Gordie is currently thriving and as of his 2 year check up is now back up to the 25th percentile.

And yet. The guilt is still there.

I do my best to forgive myself and to have realistic expectations for myself as a mother. Most of the time I think I succeed. But I still can’t quite shake the guilt I feel over this.

You Never Know When You’ll Be Confronted with a Scary Cow

Although we have yet to find a monkey on our neighbourhood walks (despite frequently looking) we did have a run in with wildlife inside our own kitchen.

I know, it is possibly the cutest looking cow ever made. And it’s only about the size of my palm. Gordie loved this cow. It was one of the first things that he tried to get me to buy at the store when he was around a year. It’s been up on a shelf though so he hasn’t seen it in a while. The cow eventually found it way back to civilization and I thought Gordie might like to see how it can moo if you push it’s tummy. It seemed like this would be fun because he would be old enough to do it now.

Well, that did not go over well. After a lot of tears and snuggles, I told the cow to stop making noises and we reached a peace. I know Gordie is a little sensitive to noises, but the quiet moo of this cute little cow? Whoops.

Sometimes it’s all in the phrasing: Love, children and equality

Like most mother’s contemplating having a second child, I worry that it’s not possible for me to love my potential second child as much as my first. So when the article “Mom Confession: I think I love my son a little bit more” popped up, it really made me think.

Although I don’t doubt her sincerity that this is something she struggles with and wishes could improve, I do think that it was written in a intentionally provocative manner. If she were to say instead, I love both my kids, but with my son it is easy and I really struggle with my daughter, it would be hard to argue with wouldn’t it? Or even if she said that she finds herself favoring her son and being harder on her daughter it would be pretty easy to empathize with.

But instead, she decided to say that she actually love her son more than her daughter. This just rubs people the wrong way. I’ve heard many people point out that the daughter may read this one day and you can’t un-ring the bell. But even if her daughter manages to understand what her mother is going through and be able to deal with that, she may not be able to deal with the taunting of classmates who end up reading the article. Not to mention the possible implications for the son. It can be just as difficult for the son to read that his mother loved him best. It could make him full of himself or immensely guilty that his sister didn’t receive her fair share of his mother’s love and attention. And even more so because it’s out for the world to see.

But I will say one thing for this article – it did make me think. And I’ve realized that I may not love my kids all the same, I may love them differently and that’s okay. They will after all be different people with different personalities, strengths and challenges. but I know I’ll love them all just as much. And every child deserves to be told that.

A Critical Look at Research in the News: Parents Exaggerate Joys of Parenting

I am sick of articles written (largely) by people who do not have children talking about how children make parents unhappy and people who have kids are stupid/ridiculous/deluding themselves. (Yes, obviously I should stop reading them, but that’s beside the point.) There seems to be a segment of the population that delights in exclaiming that parents are foolish to have had kids when any piece of research comes out that appears to support that position.

I’m frequently dismayed when I read newspaper articles talking about research studies. They often overstate or misrepresent what the (usually single) study actually found. Particularly in the headline in order to get a catchy title.

This can serve to rile up or confuse people unnecessarily. So, I’ve decided to examine articles that I find interesting and try to explain what the study actually found and how this corresponds with what its portrayal in the newspaper.

The first article article I’ve chosen is, Kid Crazy: Why We Exaggerate the Joys of Parenthood. 

In their study reported on in this article, Eibach and Mock, tested how parents reacted to different types of information about parenting in two studies. In these two studies, parents were presented with either information about the costs of parenting or the costs and long term benefits. (It’s interesting to note that all the information presented to parents was of an economic nature. The benefits described were how children help you in your old age so you are more financially secure if you have children. This seems to be a rather limited presentation of the benefits of raising children.) The studies found that although parents feelings of emotional discomfort immediately after reading the negative material was higher than those who had read the positive and negative material, when tested after a delay, these negative feelings were gone. They also found that parents who read the negative material were more likely to say that they enjoyed spending time with their children and were planning on spending more leisure time with their kids.  (You can access the abstract to the original scientific journal article here.)

So, that’s what the research found. What did the article report? Here are a few direct quotes from the Time: Health article by John Cloud.

Now comes new research showing that having kids is not only financially foolish but that kids literally make parents delusional.

But a new paper shows that parents fool themselves into believing that having kids is more rewarding than it actually is. It turns out parents are in the grip of a giant illusion.

Instead, parents glorify their lives. They believe that the financial and emotional benefits of having children are significantly higher than they really are.

Does this mean you shouldn't have kids? Yes — but you won't. Our national fantasy about the joys of parenting permeates the culture.

Of course parents should be commended for one little thing they do: maintain the existence of humanity. I praise them for that, but I think they're both heroes and suckers.

These quotes show an obvious bias by John Cloud. But he is hardly alone in his interpretation of the results of this study. You can find article after article that contains the same basic idea: Parents are delusional and this study by Eibach and Mock demonstrates this to be true.

But in fact, the study did not find that at all. What this really says is that parents can be manipulated into exaggerating the joys of parenting, not that they actually do in their every day lives. Actually, being that parents tend to encounter both the various rewards as well as the costs of parenting, this study would seem to suggest, if anything, that parents do not do exaggerate the joys of parenting in their everyday lives. What it does suggest is that parents may do this when going through a particularly difficult period such as a child being sick, parents will increase their commitment to their children and exaggerate the benefits to help them through a stressful time. This seems like a good thing to me. But somehow it’s being painted as a negative.

Besides, the ‘delusion’ as they call it is nothing more than Cognitive Dissonance. This is a phenomenon can happen to anyone who is having to deal with two thoughts that contradict each other. Such as in this case, how happy you are to be a parent and the economic burden of raising a child (if you want to read more about cognitive dissonance, here is a great, easy to read article by psyblog). It’s really not surprising or noteworthy that this happens to parents.

Yes, parenting is difficult. Yes when you are cleaning up puke from 2 sick kids in a sleep deprived haze it is hard to remember why you thought this was a good idea. But there are not many parents who would choose to have a do-over.

 

Articles that I have used on this topic for this post:

http://healthland.time.com/2011/03/04/why-having-kids-is-foolish/

http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/the-bottom-line-of-raising-kids-parents-rationalize-the-economic-cost-of-children-by-exaggerating-their-parental-joy.html

http://www.vancouversun.com/life/Parents+exaggerate+parenting+justify+costs+study/4379335/story.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21245495 (link to the academic journal article)

Talking to Your Kids About People With Special Needs

One of the many parenting challenges that can leave even the best parent at a loss is what to say to your kids when they see someone with special needs. Especially when they react in inappropriateate or insensitive manner.
My brother has special needs. He is a bilateral amputee with a rare syndrome called Cornelia de Lange syndrome. He looks different. Even the littlest kids can see that there is something different. So suffice to say I have a lot of experience in this area.
Kids react to seeing people with special needs in a lot of different ways. Some cry, some point, some laugh, and some are truly scared and some are simply curious. I promise you that no matter what you child does, it is probably not the first time and it will certainly not be the last time that it has happened to that family.
Parents have a lot of different reactions too. Some parents just tell their child to be quiet and stop staring. I understand this impulse but you do miss out on a great learning opportunity. I find it the most awkward when parents just ignore their child’s comments. But I understand that they just don’t know how to deal with it.
So, what should you do? The first thing to remember is that kids are naturally curious. They’re not usually trying to be rude. Most parents and caregivers would like you to help your kids understand that people with special needs are people too and deserving of our respect.
If they are scared, comfort them. It’s natural for kids to worry that people may be hurt or be frightened of things that they don’t understand. With my brother, kids are often worried that my brother’s arms have broken off, that he is really hurt or that it could happen to them. I usually try to reassure kids that he is not actually hurt and that some people are just born different. I also point out that even though he doesn’t have any fingers, he still has feet. Pointing out things that they do share somehow reassures a lot of kids.
If a kid is just curious, I’ll encourage my brother to say hi. This is actually what I would suggest you do with your kids too. Just say hi. For the little ones, this may be enough. Kids who are a little bit older will probably have questions. Ask if it’s okay for them to ask some questions. Not everyone will have the time or the patience, but many people will.
There was one time that even I was at a loss for words. We were at a conference for kids who are multiple amputees and we were sitting beside a boy who was about two years old. He had one finger on one hand and one and a half fingers on the other hand. He pointed at my brother and said to his Dad “That boy doesn’t have any fingers!”. I guess in his world everyone has fingers, he just hadn’t noticed that most people have 10 yet. It just goes to show that no one is exempt from having to deal with this with their kids.
R-Word - Spread the Word to End the Word

Sometimes the Key is Realizing that You’re the One With the Problem

Putting Gordie to sleep was starting to drive me crazy. I was especially frustrated because I felt like I was doing everything right. But for some reason it was starting to take forever to put him to sleep. I was racking my brain as to what the problem was.

The first penny dropped when I realized that his three hour naps had become routine instead of being an anomaly. So even though I generally think that waking a sleeping child is not a good idea, I was figuring I'd have to start waking him up after 2 hours so he would be tired at bedtime.

Then it sunk in. He wasn't tired at bedtime. I was trying to put him to bed before he was even remotely sleepy. He in fact wasn't having a sleep problem at all. He was waking up happily at 6 in the morning, going down for his nap like a dream and was in a good mood all day. He just wasn't ready for bed when I expected him to be ready for bed.

I was the one with the problem. I was grumpily being woken up at 6, I was tired all day and I was frustrated when he wasn't falling asleep after over an hour of me trying to put him to sleep.

So instead of trying to change Gordie's sleeping patterns, I decided to change my own behavior. The first (and easiest thing) I did was start putting Gordie to bed when he was actually tired at 9. The second thing I'm still working on. Going to bed earlier. I think that might make a lot of things better.

The first day I tried the new plan it was wonderful. Gordie got some extra time with his dad in the evening and when I turned the lights out at 8:45 he was asleep 15 minutes later.

Of course though as soon as I figured this out, Gordie got a cold and was only napping for 2 hours and crashing at 8pm. Figures.

How becoming a mother made me less judgemental

It seems everywhere I turn I see things suggesting that motherhood turns women into ‘mompetitors’: women who are strongly critical of each other and their differing parenting decisions. For me, I think it has been the opposite. Becoming a mother has helped me become much less judgemental and more able to see that even if it is not a choice I’d make or a method I would use, it can still be a good choice. 

I have always tried to see things from other people’s perspectives but it’s not always easy. Before I was a mother, I didn’t understand why you wouldn’t want to breastfeed your baby. Now that I have had to deal with the frustration and the sleepless nights - I get it. I may not understand why you wouldn’t want to, but I certainly understand why you would choose not to or why you would stop. I was fortunate enough to have had a year of maternity leave and my son never had a drop of formula. But I couldn’t even imagine going back to work when my baby was 6 weeks old and continuing to breastfeed. Where do mothers find the energy? I applaud anyone who is able to manage that, but I really don’t think I could.

My son is now almost 2 and is now a pretty decent sleeper, but it has been a long and painful road. I didn’t want to use methods that involved crying it out when I felt he was too little to understand. Slowly, with a good night time routine and a healthy respect for the importance of naps, his sleep has vastly improved. This worked for us, but it was often difficult. At his worst my son was waking up every hour. Looking back, I’m not sure how we all made it through that alive. Despite deciding not to sleep train, I completely understand why other parents choose to do it and I respect that choice as well. Being sleep deprived is hard on your mental, physical and emotional state and for some people sleep training is definitely going to be the best option for them.

Being able to view these things with more empathy and understanding than I previously had has made me take a second look at things I have taken for granted in other areas of my life as well. It has helped me see that situations are often a lot more complex than they see at first blush.

I still have my own opinions and the way I want to do things, but I’m now much more accepting of people who make choices that are different from my own. Although something might be the right choice for me, it’s not necessarily the right choice for someone else.