A Critical Look at Research in the News: Parents Exaggerate Joys of Parenting

I am sick of articles written (largely) by people who do not have children talking about how children make parents unhappy and people who have kids are stupid/ridiculous/deluding themselves. (Yes, obviously I should stop reading them, but that’s beside the point.) There seems to be a segment of the population that delights in exclaiming that parents are foolish to have had kids when any piece of research comes out that appears to support that position.

I’m frequently dismayed when I read newspaper articles talking about research studies. They often overstate or misrepresent what the (usually single) study actually found. Particularly in the headline in order to get a catchy title.

This can serve to rile up or confuse people unnecessarily. So, I’ve decided to examine articles that I find interesting and try to explain what the study actually found and how this corresponds with what its portrayal in the newspaper.

The first article article I’ve chosen is, Kid Crazy: Why We Exaggerate the Joys of Parenthood. 

In their study reported on in this article, Eibach and Mock, tested how parents reacted to different types of information about parenting in two studies. In these two studies, parents were presented with either information about the costs of parenting or the costs and long term benefits. (It’s interesting to note that all the information presented to parents was of an economic nature. The benefits described were how children help you in your old age so you are more financially secure if you have children. This seems to be a rather limited presentation of the benefits of raising children.) The studies found that although parents feelings of emotional discomfort immediately after reading the negative material was higher than those who had read the positive and negative material, when tested after a delay, these negative feelings were gone. They also found that parents who read the negative material were more likely to say that they enjoyed spending time with their children and were planning on spending more leisure time with their kids.  (You can access the abstract to the original scientific journal article here.)

So, that’s what the research found. What did the article report? Here are a few direct quotes from the Time: Health article by John Cloud.

Now comes new research showing that having kids is not only financially foolish but that kids literally make parents delusional.

But a new paper shows that parents fool themselves into believing that having kids is more rewarding than it actually is. It turns out parents are in the grip of a giant illusion.

Instead, parents glorify their lives. They believe that the financial and emotional benefits of having children are significantly higher than they really are.

Does this mean you shouldn't have kids? Yes — but you won't. Our national fantasy about the joys of parenting permeates the culture.

Of course parents should be commended for one little thing they do: maintain the existence of humanity. I praise them for that, but I think they're both heroes and suckers.

These quotes show an obvious bias by John Cloud. But he is hardly alone in his interpretation of the results of this study. You can find article after article that contains the same basic idea: Parents are delusional and this study by Eibach and Mock demonstrates this to be true.

But in fact, the study did not find that at all. What this really says is that parents can be manipulated into exaggerating the joys of parenting, not that they actually do in their every day lives. Actually, being that parents tend to encounter both the various rewards as well as the costs of parenting, this study would seem to suggest, if anything, that parents do not do exaggerate the joys of parenting in their everyday lives. What it does suggest is that parents may do this when going through a particularly difficult period such as a child being sick, parents will increase their commitment to their children and exaggerate the benefits to help them through a stressful time. This seems like a good thing to me. But somehow it’s being painted as a negative.

Besides, the ‘delusion’ as they call it is nothing more than Cognitive Dissonance. This is a phenomenon can happen to anyone who is having to deal with two thoughts that contradict each other. Such as in this case, how happy you are to be a parent and the economic burden of raising a child (if you want to read more about cognitive dissonance, here is a great, easy to read article by psyblog). It’s really not surprising or noteworthy that this happens to parents.

Yes, parenting is difficult. Yes when you are cleaning up puke from 2 sick kids in a sleep deprived haze it is hard to remember why you thought this was a good idea. But there are not many parents who would choose to have a do-over.

 

Articles that I have used on this topic for this post:

http://healthland.time.com/2011/03/04/why-having-kids-is-foolish/

http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/the-bottom-line-of-raising-kids-parents-rationalize-the-economic-cost-of-children-by-exaggerating-their-parental-joy.html

http://www.vancouversun.com/life/Parents+exaggerate+parenting+justify+costs+study/4379335/story.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21245495 (link to the academic journal article)

Avocado, Grapefruit and Spinach Salad

I threw this salad together from things I happened to have in the fridge. It turned out so well and looks so pretty I now pull it out when I want an impressive looking salad that’s quick to put together when I’m entertaining. Although most of the time I make it just for myself.

Avocado, Grapefruit and Spinach Salad Recipe
1 bag of baby spinach leaves
1 grapefruit segmented (or a grapefruit fruit cup which are awesome)
1 avocado
almonds (sliced for sprinkling)
1/8 cup grapefruit juice
1 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1 Tbsp balsamic vinegar
salt and pepper (freshly ground is nice)

Cooking with the Kids
The kids can:

• Scoop out the avocado
• Put the ingredients in the salad bowl
• Measure, mix and pour the dressing
• Toss the spinach with the dressing (this is fun with your fingers)

Directions

1. Whisk together the dressing ingredients: grapefruit juice, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper.
2. Cube the avocado (and slice the grapefruit if necessary).
3. Put the spinach in a large salad bowl and toss with the dressing. You will probably have made more than you need so go easy.
4. Top with the avocado, grapefruit and almonds and serve.

Per 1/4 salad with all of the dressing: Calories – 174, Carbs – 15g, Fat – 12g, Protein 3, Fibre – 4.

Cooking Failure: Egg Pancakes

I did not actually set out to make egg pancakes, nor do I recommend trying to do so. I had been planning on making Gordie some scrambled eggs but ended up with these instead.

Egg Pancake Recipe (again, do not make these, they are not good)

2 eggs (beaten)

Instructions

Pour eggs into a small, warm frying pan. Forget you are cooking while comforting your cranky sick child. Remember you are cooking after an undetermined period of time. Your eggs should be completely cooked through, extremely thin and crispy.

These weren’t actually as bad as I suspected. But they were pretty crispy and a little rubbery. Gordie found them to be a little distressing.

Tasty Rice (Osbourne First Cookbook)

My husband suggested making “Tasty Rice” for my third recipe from The Usborne First Cookbook because “Rice can be so plain”. 
If you missed first recipe I tried -  Baked Egg Tomato Cups or the second Cheese Soufflé  make sure it check them out.

Tasty Rice Recipe
4 tomatoes
1 cup mushrooms
2 onions
1 red pepper
6 slices bacon
2 Tbsp cooking oil
1 cup peas
2 Tbsp tomato puree
8 oz freshly cooked rice (I used day old brown basmati rice)

Directions
1. Chop the tomatoes (the original recipe said to peel them but I didn’t find it necessary), mushrooms, onions, peppers and bacon.
2. Heat the oil, onion and bacon in a large saucepan over a low heat. (If I was doing it again I would use bacon I cooked separately so it’s crispier). When the onions are soft, add the rest of the vegetables and the tomato puree. Cook with the lid on for 20 minutes stirring often.
3. Mix the rice into the vegetable mixture over a medium heat until hot.

So, Did They Eat It?
This turned out really well. I served it as a side while my husband’s family was over for dinner. Everyone thought it was really good. The bacon was cooked when it was finished but I prefer crispier bacon and don’t feel the need for the bacon fat so I would definitely cook them separately next time. This is one I’ll be adding to my recipe index.

Per 1/8 Rice mixture: Calories – 146, Carbs – 18g, Fat – 6g, Protein 4g, Fibre – 2g.

Talking to Your Kids About People With Special Needs

One of the many parenting challenges that can leave even the best parent at a loss is what to say to your kids when they see someone with special needs. Especially when they react in inappropriateate or insensitive manner.
My brother has special needs. He is a bilateral amputee with a rare syndrome called Cornelia de Lange syndrome. He looks different. Even the littlest kids can see that there is something different. So suffice to say I have a lot of experience in this area.
Kids react to seeing people with special needs in a lot of different ways. Some cry, some point, some laugh, and some are truly scared and some are simply curious. I promise you that no matter what you child does, it is probably not the first time and it will certainly not be the last time that it has happened to that family.
Parents have a lot of different reactions too. Some parents just tell their child to be quiet and stop staring. I understand this impulse but you do miss out on a great learning opportunity. I find it the most awkward when parents just ignore their child’s comments. But I understand that they just don’t know how to deal with it.
So, what should you do? The first thing to remember is that kids are naturally curious. They’re not usually trying to be rude. Most parents and caregivers would like you to help your kids understand that people with special needs are people too and deserving of our respect.
If they are scared, comfort them. It’s natural for kids to worry that people may be hurt or be frightened of things that they don’t understand. With my brother, kids are often worried that my brother’s arms have broken off, that he is really hurt or that it could happen to them. I usually try to reassure kids that he is not actually hurt and that some people are just born different. I also point out that even though he doesn’t have any fingers, he still has feet. Pointing out things that they do share somehow reassures a lot of kids.
If a kid is just curious, I’ll encourage my brother to say hi. This is actually what I would suggest you do with your kids too. Just say hi. For the little ones, this may be enough. Kids who are a little bit older will probably have questions. Ask if it’s okay for them to ask some questions. Not everyone will have the time or the patience, but many people will.
There was one time that even I was at a loss for words. We were at a conference for kids who are multiple amputees and we were sitting beside a boy who was about two years old. He had one finger on one hand and one and a half fingers on the other hand. He pointed at my brother and said to his Dad “That boy doesn’t have any fingers!”. I guess in his world everyone has fingers, he just hadn’t noticed that most people have 10 yet. It just goes to show that no one is exempt from having to deal with this with their kids.
R-Word - Spread the Word to End the Word

Mostly Wordless Wednesday

The best parts of my morning with my cranky, sick kid.

          

              

       

Sometimes the Key is Realizing that You’re the One With the Problem

Putting Gordie to sleep was starting to drive me crazy. I was especially frustrated because I felt like I was doing everything right. But for some reason it was starting to take forever to put him to sleep. I was racking my brain as to what the problem was.

The first penny dropped when I realized that his three hour naps had become routine instead of being an anomaly. So even though I generally think that waking a sleeping child is not a good idea, I was figuring I'd have to start waking him up after 2 hours so he would be tired at bedtime.

Then it sunk in. He wasn't tired at bedtime. I was trying to put him to bed before he was even remotely sleepy. He in fact wasn't having a sleep problem at all. He was waking up happily at 6 in the morning, going down for his nap like a dream and was in a good mood all day. He just wasn't ready for bed when I expected him to be ready for bed.

I was the one with the problem. I was grumpily being woken up at 6, I was tired all day and I was frustrated when he wasn't falling asleep after over an hour of me trying to put him to sleep.

So instead of trying to change Gordie's sleeping patterns, I decided to change my own behavior. The first (and easiest thing) I did was start putting Gordie to bed when he was actually tired at 9. The second thing I'm still working on. Going to bed earlier. I think that might make a lot of things better.

The first day I tried the new plan it was wonderful. Gordie got some extra time with his dad in the evening and when I turned the lights out at 8:45 he was asleep 15 minutes later.

Of course though as soon as I figured this out, Gordie got a cold and was only napping for 2 hours and crashing at 8pm. Figures.